I wish someone would ask me what I'm planning to do with my life.

I'd reply I plan on living it as it is now and how it changes until the end.

Plans always fall through.

Nothing should be set in stone.

Nothing can perceive or outlast time just follow it.

The world is full of people whose notion of a satisfactory future is, in fact, a return to the idealised past.

Patrick was a young boy of the age of 23. Most people would call him a young man but he was anything but, his face was still childlike with large gold eyes that still glimmered with awe at a sunset. He had yet to be so beaten by the world that his naivety turned to bitterness but this does not mean that the world had been unusually grateful to him, in fact the world seemed to be unfair and cruel to him and nothing it could do seemed to damper his spirits or whisked the smile from his lips for more than a few weeks.

Patrick was a shy boy with brown wavy ear length hair. One of the few things he hated was public speaking and large gatherings, unless of course it involved some liquid courage. He seemed to be frightened of the world that tried so hard to break him. He was scared of the dark, loud sudden noises, being alone, crowds, large dogs (and he wasn’t practically fond of the smaller ones either), guns, doctors, the ocean, and speeding are a few of his fears but the one thing he fears above all is failure. So you can imagine how devastated he was when he received notice 3 years ago that he wasn’t meeting his college expectations and, to put it nicely, had been asked to leave.

This was the warning sign that the world had turned on him. A year after receiving his letter his father and mother were killed in a drunk driving accident, short 8 months after the incident that had shaken him and his older sister’s foundation his sister went missing. The authorities had told him they weren’t expecting to find her alive. He was still waiting on closure. Perhaps you think it’s shameful that this young boy has been able to smile soon after the tragic events had taken place.

The first time Patrick smiled after his parents died was at their funeral as he wiped tears from his eyes and enjoyed swapping stories from his parents’ oldest friends. After his sister disappeared his first smile was in the city park, the trees were yellow and the sun shone through them giving the park a hue of gold. He would normally walk pass the playground and to a bench near a crossroad where it sat in usual solitude where he would eat a flattened sandwich and flip through a book. Today he paused for a minute to watch two children arguing, the taller brunette girl seemed to be lecturing the blond boy who pouted and glared stubbornly at her. He was reminded of the time his sister had fought with him and most of the time he came out the most injured. 3 black eyes, 4 bloody noses, a split lip, and three fingernail marks in his left cheek. It was needless to say Patrick never worried about his sister handling anything physical but now that he thought about it maybe he should have.

Just a little preview of an idea I've got brewing in my brain.

Title is a quote by Robertson Davies, "A Voice from the Attic", 1960

Picture: Split ends by xStacyxAnnx found here: ( http://xstacyxannx.deviantart.com/ )

It's the closest thing I could find that really matched my image of Patrick even if he is a bit younger. I'll bs and say it's his maturity level not that he's immature but his ability to handle difficulty situations and stress is about the same as a child's.

Not what you can see but what you can ask

Why do I have a blog when all I really do is write around what I really want to say?

Why is it so hard for me to say what I really feel?

Is it so scary to let people in?

Pic from:( http://www.flickr.com/photos/ilquoquo/ )

The Savage Nocturn

2009.

What can I say about you?

You started out great and are spiraling down faster than any other year by far.

Started out with a kiss. From someone I like.


The Bad
I got my teeth pulled and became a blowfish
I got kicked out of college
I got an infection in my mouth and became a blowfish again
He started seeing someone. Someone I know and feel bad about wanting their relationship to end.
I got in a car wreck

The Good
I'm going to be a maid of honor
I've gained even more confidence about myself
Made closer friends with people
When I got my infection the dentist apprentice hit on me. He was around 30.
I'm narrowing down on what I want to do
When I got in my wreck the cop hit on me. He was in his late 20's.


The Bad: 5
The Good: 6

So far good's winning but the way things are looking it won't last long.

I found a quote that puts down in words what I live by:

"You can either hold yourself up to the unrealistic standards of others, or ignore them and concentrate on being happy with yourself as you are."

Spring Break and My Birthday are coming up.

Will they make the good pull ahead or tie it up?

I honestly don't know, and I'm not sure I want to find out but I'm going to have to.

I'm sick of the rain and the cold. I want things to be bright again so the flowers will bloom and I can smell my favorite flower. They never last long but they're my favorite thing about spring.

Strong fictional characters that I look up to: (Women characters)
Jordan Sullivan
Larxene

Yes that's right I look up to the bitches. Why?

They know what they want, they aren't afraid to go after what they want.

They are strong and aren't like so many of the women that are shown on television these days that need to be rescued or the one's who make matters worse.

They don't care what you think because what you think is only a perception and they know the facts about themselves and they don't need you to know it.

Self-confidence, strength, and sexy.

I think most people are looking for these things but really it's just the manner of how you see yourself.

You'd just better hope that when you look in the mirror and see the real you staring back you like what you see.

I do. I notice my flaws but I actually like some of them. Like how my eyebrows are too thick and my nose is a little too long for my face. I don't mind them and I like how I've become personality wise as well.

Perfection is over-rated. That's what I've learned from reading the Twilight books. They make my insides feel like they are made of honey and cotton candy. In a bad way.

That's one of the things I'm looking for in a partner. Flaws that I can love, because seeing through the flaws and to the person they are underneath is what I think love is about.

I guess that doesn't just apply to a lover but also to friends.

I should really do my homework. I don't know why I'm rambling on and on. I just wanted to bitch about how crappy my year was going.

Ps. Larxene reminds me of a Praying mantis. The percentage is very high of the female mantis decapitating and ingesting the males head during intercourse. :D

My Band

Band Name: Christmas Lights
Album Title: Labor does the Body

(Picture: Learning to Whistle by Aikko Aragon: Found here http://www.flickr.com/photos/aikko_in_flickr/3315250923/ )




List of dreams:
[X] See the Northern Lights
[X] Stay up all night
[X] Forget your worries and dance the night away
[ ] Get a story published
[ ] Write a book
[ ] Go to New York
[ ] Go on a road trip with friends
[ ] Get kissed in the rain under a red umbrella
[ ] Own a Golden Retriever
[X] Make an abomination and call it Sea-Salt Ice cream
[X] Spend all day in a good book
[ ] Spend all day in bed wearing lingerie watching movies with your boyfriend
[ ] Be a giant nerd and go to a anime convention
[X] Watch a meteor shower
[X] Laugh so hard you cry
[X] Cry so hard you laugh
[X] Make your friends laugh so hard they cry
[ ] Ride a Vespa
[ ] Go to a Casino
[X] Party like it's 1999
[X] Wish on star
[ ] Meet Zach Braff
[ ] Go to Italy
[X] Watch a movie just to cry
[X] Laid in the grass and let the world move around you
[X] Watch the sunrise
[X] Listen to the birds sing at 4 in the morning
[X] Make someone's day brighter just by being yourself
[X] Watched the clouds
[ ] Get a tattoo